Only Teasin'
by ladyamethyst21
Summary: Hiccup and Astrid are getting married! But what is it about their wedding night that's amusing Gobber so much? Tribal tradition and personalities clash as the big day approaches...A one-shot set after HTTYD2.


**Just a few 'author's notes' about this one. Feel free to skip if you're not interested in my thinking process! Anyway. they say write what you want to read and, being as I'm a huge Hiccstrid shipper, one of the things I wanted to read about was their wedding (one of the others is perhaps a wee bit more personal, you can check out my take in my fic 'Crossing the Line', if you haven't already. I'd appreciate it!) so I set out to write about the big day. But the story wouldn't behave itself. I'm a bit of an amateur historian also, and some of the things I knew about tribal, pagan rituals surrounding marriage kept sticking their noses in. Particularly the idea that a wedding, especially a Chief's, would need to be consummated, and that also would be witnessed (it happened well past the Viking age, 'bedding ceremonies' were reasonably common well into the 1800's, just in case you think I have a pervy imagination). Now, I don't particularly think that that would be something anyone on Berk would be into (except maybe Snotlout :-) ), but my brain wouldn't let go of it. So, this is my attempt to square that circle of tradition and history vs. my perception of the Hooligans, especially Hiccup and Astrid and how they would cope with it. Plus, I just love Gobber and wanted to try writing him. I hope it works for you! If you enjoy (or not) I'd really appreciate a review, I love hearing what you guys think. Enjoy!**

 **As always, I don't own any of HTTYD, but if I could, I'd pick Toothless.**

 **P.S. Just in case anyone is not familiar with the ritual of 'showing the sheets'. It was a tradition in several cultures (including English, not sure about Viking, but I've borrowed it because I felt it fitted) that the sheets from the wedding night should be displayed in public after the marriage was consummated. The stains on the sheet would prove not only that the consummation had happened but also, because they should be bloody from the breaking of the bride's hymen, that the bride was pure and a virgin and therefore any resulting children would belong without doubt to the groom. I know, sexist, and gross. But that's history folks! :-)**

 **Only Teasin'**

"Ye're getting married?" Looking at the flushed faces of the beaming Chief and his beautiful blonde betrothed, Gobber couldn't help grinning himself. "Of course y'are! Aye, I've been waiting fae this!" He swept Hiccup up with one massive arm, Astrid with the other and squeezed the pair of them in a joyous hug. "This is what I miss when I'm tae busy working to make it tae the Hall fae dinner is it? Typical! Come, sit, tell me all about it." He stumped around the chaotically arranged forge, moving piles of leather, saddles and chunks of metal. Finally locating cups and an ale jug he swept several half finished swords and daggers to the floor with a clatter and set them down on the anvil. "Well then, if you've made the formal announcement already, when, where, _when_?"

Astrid picked up a cup, sipped, smiled. "Well, the where is the Great Hall, of course, and as for when, we announced it for next week, Freyja's day. Seemed appropriate."

"Next week? So quick! In a rush are we? Somethin' I ought to know?" He looked significantly towards Astrid's stomach, "There's no' a wee Haddock swimming towards us is there?"

"Gobber!" Hiccup started, blushing violently and almost dropping his cup, "No! There isn't! Nothing like that, come on, really…"

Gobber laughed. "Ah, relax Hiccup, I'm just teasin'! Yer way tae easy. I'm sure the Chief o' Berk shouldnae be able tae go that colour, yer as red as Hookfang! Suits him though eh?" He winked at Astrid, who giggled, though her own cheeks were flushed pink. "Seriously though, that's none o'my business. But a week doesnae give y'much time tae get ready, does it?"

Now smiling again, Hiccup took Astrid's hand and squeezed her fingers. "We don't need that much time, Gobber, we're not planning anything fancy. I think everyone on Berk pretty much knows what we are to each other."

"Aye," his eyes twinkled knowingly, "most of us before the pair of you did I reckon"

"Exactly. So we don't want to make a song and dance about it. We just thought, you know, with me being Chief now," he took a quick swallow of his ale to cover the sudden lump in his throat, " and coming back to live on Berk full-time that we'd best make things formal."

"We just want to be together," Astrid added, "openly, properly, you know. And you know as well as I do that he needs someone to keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn't work himself into the floor. I can't do that if I'm living at my parents' house."

"Aye, aye, makes sense. Your father would be proud of you lad. And you too lass, he always said how right you were t'gether. You can count old Gobber in to help however he can." He extended his hand and the pair clasped it together, grinning again.

"Thanks Gobber." Hiccup stood, "We'll let you know. It's getting late and we ought to be.."

"And I suppose," the large Viking interrupted, stroking his impressive moustache, "that in a week you can't do too much worrying about yer wedding night at least!"

"Gobber!" Hiccup groaned, "What happened to 'that's none o'my business'? For the record, it's not something we're particularly worrying about, okay? Come on Astrid."

They made to head out into the night but Gobber interrupted again. "Good for you lad, good for you. Most people would be a wee bit iffy about having to consummate their union in front of witnesses, but if yer okay with that then that's fine. Nothing to worry about except the dress and the feast then! Grand."

Astrid gaped. "About doing _what_?! Hiccup, what did he just say?"

Hiccup turned reluctantly back, annoyance plain in the lines of his shoulders.

"Astrid, he's teasing us again, don't fall for it."

"I'm no' teasing Hiccup, I'm serious!"

"Gobber, come on! It's late, we're tired, give it up. I know we don't do 'public consummation' on Berk anymore. I've seen plenty of weddings, never happened."

"True enough, lad, true enough. But then you've never seen a Chief get married before have you?" Gobber sat back with folded arms, clearly pleased with his point.

"Well, no, given that our last Chief was _my father_ , of course I haven't!" Hiccup exclaimed, exasperated, "Why does that make any difference?"

"Because _y'are_ the Chief now! And it's part o'the duty o'tradition. Witnessed consummation, public display of the bloodied sheet and all that. After all, every one needs tae know that the next Heir of Berk is _actually_ the _Heir of Berk_ , if you know what I mean? No offence intended lovie," he added to Astrid, who was visibly bristling.

She snarled, "Oh, no offence taken Gobber, I'm sure! Are you seriously saying we're expected to...in front of other people? Hiccup!" She sat heavily on a saddle propped in the corner, stiff with outrage. Hiccup moved quickly to kneel next to her, arm round her shoulders. "Hey, hey, come on, don't freak out. Gobber, are you actually serious?"

The big man stood straight and placed his wooden hand across his heart, "I swear, by Thor and my honour as a Viking, I didnae make this up. It's a tradition old as Berk itself. Why d'ya think that wee room at the end of the corridor at the back of the Great Hall is called the 'bedding room'?"

"Because that's where we keep all the spare blankets for winter?"

"Aye well, yes, that and… one other reason. I'm sure the ladies will clean it out nice fae you both." Ruefully, he shrugged. "I'm sorry lad, I though y'woulda known, thought yer mother would have said something. I didnae mean to bring it up out of the blue."

"Yeah well, me and Mom mostly talk about dragons," Hiccup sighed, "a twenty-year absence doesn't exactly make for clear lines of communication about more… personal stuff. Besides, she's back at her sanctuary, making repairs until the wedding. Her and Dad had to…? Urgh! I do not need those pictures in my head!" He shook his chestnut mop, grimaced, looking to Astrid "So, Milady assuming Gobber's right and that's what people are expecting , how do we get round this? We're nothing if not breakers of tradition!" His mind was already buzzing, looking for escape-routes, but a big hand on his shoulder de-railed his train of thought.

"Lad. I know what you're thinking. But, if y'll take my advice, I wouldnae mess with any more tradition just now. Us Berkians are a fairly simple folk and we've had enough upheaval in the last few years tae last several lifetimes. Y'have tae understand, isn't about _you and Astrid_ , it's about continuity, stability, knowing the future is secure. Tradition is tradition, and a secure tribe is a happy tribe. Soooo, if you asked me…"

"You'd go through with it. Well, I don't think..."

"He might be right Hiccup." Astrid spoke quietly. "The village is unsettled enough as it is. And we've already announced the wedding so we can't back out now. Besides which, I wouldn't want to. Not for all of Midguard. Would you?"

"No! But honestly...Astrid…"

She cut him off. "It'll be fine. Come on, it really is late and we have plenty to do in the morning. Let's go home. Goodnight Gobber" She stood and took Hiccup's hand, pulling him towards the door. He followed dazedly, "Sure, sure. Night Gobber."

At the door Gobber once again enfolded them in a huge hug. "Congratulations again tae you both. I wouldnae worry much about it, it's just that first time, it'll be over before you know it." He smirked and they both caught his joke at the same instant, "Not funny Gobber!"

"Ah, I'm just teasin'! G'night!" He was still chuckling as he closed the door.

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They reached Astrid's house without speaking. Hiccup kissed her gently goodnight, but as he made to leave, she grabbed his hand. "I'm trusting that you know that most of what I said in there was utter yakshit?" Her tone was harsh, but at the anxious look on his face, she continued more gently "Babe, you know I'd do pretty much anything to marry you, but having our personal life put on display? I do not think so. I only agreed to get us out of Gobber's, get some thinking space." Pausing, she blew out a tense breath. "I totally see that tradition is important. And that the tribe needs some stability after Drago, losing Stoick….However, if you could apply your amazing Hiccup brain and find a way round this without upsetting everyone, I would consider it a most wonderful wedding present. Even better than the 'Chicken of our own' Tuff promised us. No pressure hey?" And, planting a quick kiss on the end of his nose she darted away, leaving him standing, thoroughly bemused, in the dark.

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Back in the forge, Gobber sat finishing his ale and chuckling happily in a way quite at odds with his size and often fearsome appearance. He stuck out his peg leg, and gently poked his ever-sleepy dragon, currently snoring loudly on the floor, "Ah, Grump, did y'hear that? That was the best laugh I've had in days! Did y'see the colour of Hiccup's face? He'll set himself on fire one of these days the lad's that prim! I cannae help it, it does ma heart good tae set the wee innocent off. And ma acting skills are coming on, eh? 'Public display of the bloodied sheet' – I'd like tae see them manage _that_ one, as if the wee devils haven't been all over each other for months out there on The Edge. Oh, I know, they're very discreet bless 'em, and they think we dinnae know, but anyone with eyes can see it, can't they? Oh…t'be young and in love." Sighing wistfully, he stared into the distance, until slowly the giggles rose again, "But did ya'see how pale the pair o'them went? And there's me, giving it 'tradition is tradition' and the serious face. D'ya think they believed me?" Grump opened one yellow eye and glared. "Don't you look at me like that, ya big burple, I wouldnae lie tae ma Chief! It _is_ a tradition! And I _do_ think there's been enough messin' about with that recently. I….." and he couldn't help sniggering again, " just didnae mention that it's also a tradition for the Chief tae find a way to avoid the witnessing part!" He nudged the dragon again, looking for some reaction but got only a baleful stare "Oh, come on, naebody wants to have tae see _that_ , Grump! We're Vikings, nae Frenchmen! It's sort o'… an unwritten test o' ingenuity." He patted Grump's knobbly head and smiled, remembering, "Stoick and Valka eloped, with ma help I'll add, and, as I recall, his grandfather arranged to have a yak as their witness, clever man. Everyone old enough to know will be wonderin' how they'll get round it, but naebody'll give them any clues I'm sure, even if Hiccup could bring himself tae ask anyone! Aye, this could be a verra amusin' couple o' days for Ole Gobber." Grump belched loudly. "Aye, aye, o' course I'll tell 'em. As soon as teasin' 'em stops bein' entertainin'! Sleep well Grumpy." Stumping over to his pallet, he chuckled himself to sleep.

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Waking in a particularly ebullient mood, Gobber wandered over to the Great Hall for breakfast to see who was up for a morning chat. To his delight, Hiccup and Astrid were already sitting at one of the long tables talking intently. He grinned. Perfect. Picking up his own breakfast he made his way to their table.

"Good mornin' my Chief and Cheifess-to-be! How are you this fine day on Berk? Sleep well?" At the hearty greeting, they started from their conversation and he could see they were sporting matching dark circles under their eyes. He suppressed a chuckle. "I've no' got much doin' in the forge t'day so I wondered if there was anythin' I could do tae get you sorted fae the big day? Always happy tae help!"

"Yes, actually Gobber, there is." Astrid replied wearily, "You can tell us you made all that stuff up last night. I didn't sleep a wink!"

He held his face carefully still. "I would if I could, Astrid, I would if I could. But tradition is tradition."

"It's barbaric!"

"Nae lass," he took a huge bite of chicken leg and spoke cheerily through it, "it's Viking! And I thought you were all on board wi' keepin' up tradition?"

Astrid groaned, "Well, it seems a bit more daunting in the daylight, actually looking at the people who might be looking at you, if you see what I mean."

"Aye, I get you," he chuckled reassuringly, "But it's no as if the entire village will be watching is it?" Astrid frowned and opened her mouth to snap a reply but,

"Gobber," Hiccup interrupted, keeping his voice low, "I think it would help to know exactly how this is meant to work. What exactly is the 'tradition'?"

"Weeel, like I said Chief, it's no the whole village, o'course! That would be crazy!" He saw Hiccup's shoulders relax a little and allowed them a moment before dropping his bombshell, "It's only the whole council who'll be there!" He took another enormous bite of chicken and smiled at their shocked faces, the suddenly tight-knuckled hands holding their cups. It was all he could do not to burst out laughing. "The whole council?" Astrid whispered, aghast, "The _whole council_?" She stared, wide-eyed and white-faced at Hiccup, "The council which includes Bucket and Mulch? Spitelout? The same council you just appointed Fishlegs and Snotlout to? Fishlegs and _Snotlout_? On our _wedding night_?" She stood as if to run out of the hall, shook her head vehemently, "Nope, that's it, I can't, I just can't!"

Hiccup tried to calm her but, given that he was stuttering incoherently and looking as if he'd just drunk several pints of yaknog, it didn't help much. "Astrid…I…We'll…Erm…There must…Oh Thor…"

Gobber could stand it no longer, he guffawed at the top of his lungs, spraying chicken everywhere, and pounded the table. He chuckled and choked for several moments, until he was finally forced to beat his chest and gasp for air. Astrid and Hiccup stared at him stony faced while he recovered, "Oh, gods, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I couldnae resist, your faces!" he gasped, "I've ne'er seen anyone go so pale so fast! _Fishlegs and Snotlout_! Haaaa, oh, yer killin' me, yer killin' me!" Another deep breath, "I'm sorry, Astrid, Hiccup. I'll admit it, I made that up!"

"Made it up! So we don't have to….?"

"Nae, lad," he was suddenly serious again, "Of course y'have to do _that_ bit. Tradition is tradition! But not wi' the whole Council. Just the one witness, an elder, chosen by secret lot. Much more dignified."

"Dignified!" Astrid had had enough. "Gobber, with the greatest respect, go suck rocks! You are not funny. Hiccup, I'm going flying" And she strode out of the great hall, leaving shocked Hooligans spinning in her wake.

"Astrid! I'm just teasin'!" Gobber called after her.

Hiccup groaned. "Gobber, you're not exactly helping me get my marriage off to the best start you know?"

"Ah, dinnae look so down in the dumps lad, she'll see the funny side when she's calmed down."

Sceptically, Hiccup raised one eyebrow. "You think?"

"Aye, sure! And anyways, look on the bright side, at least by drawing lots y've got good odds on who y'get for a witness. After all, y'might be lucky and get Gothi!" he smiled, encouragingly. Hiccup frowned,

"And how exactly would that be lucky?"

"Weell, at least you know she wouldnae talk about it!" With a huge belly-laugh, Gobber just choked out, "But, ha, I suppose, ha, she might draw some, ha, interesting pictures!" His Scarlet-faced Chief wordlessly left him, collapsed and helpless with mirth.

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Over the next few days, Gobber had the time of his life. Everywhere he looked, preparations were being made for the wedding; which had all the makings of a huge affair. Hiccup and Astrid might not have been interested in a fuss, but the rest of Berk was ready to let its hair down and the village was buzzing as extra fish were caught, boars roasted, cakes baked, weapons polished and dragons washed. Even the children got involved, weaving flowers into decorations and rehearsing their dances. Gobber wandered merrily through it all, chatting, tasting and admiring in a haze of anticipation. Even better, everywhere he looked, there seemed to be an opportunity for him to tease the pair at the centre of attention and he'd lost count now of how many times he'd seen Hiccup's face glowing crimson at any mention, or even hint, of the wedding night. It was spectacular.

"You know," Gobber mused one late night in the forge, as he carefully poured molten metal into a mould, "I'm almost sorry the wedding's tomorrow. What'll I tease Hiccup about after? Oh, I know Grumpy, you don't approve." he set the mould to one side and took down another, smaller one and started to break it open, "but I feel it's ma duty. Stoick would have loved all this fuss and he would've ribbed the lad too. Wouldn't y'Stoick?" He spoke out loud to the ever-present image of his red-headed friend, "Someone has tae stand in for ya and who better? The lad's like a son to me too, he is." The circle of rough metal finally broke out of the mould and he held it up to the light before attacking it vigorously with file and polishing cloth. Once it was gleaming, Gobber settled to the anvil and began working with his fine engraving tools. "Ah Stoick, mae man," Gobber sighed, "I wish you were here. You should'a seen your boy today, I got him good!" He chuckled and relived the memory as he worked.

Hiccup was at home in the Chief's house and writing away at the table when Gobber banged open the door and led in a bevy of Berk's ladies, all carrying armfuls of linen. "Gobber! What's going on?"

"Sorry tae startle you Chief, the ladies just needed somewhere tae put all this temporarily and I said you wouldnae mind, given the circumstances, aye?"

"What circumstances? Why here? Excuse me," Hiccup grabbed the elbow of the nearest woman, "Where is all this from?" She gave him a knowing look before answering, "Why, the bedding room o' course Chief! We needed a bit more space for Freyja's Day evening, you know, for you and your lady." Hiccup dropped her arm as if it was a hatching Gronckle egg and glared at Gobber.

"What?" the blacksmith asked innocently, "What with your house bein' free the evenin' and the room being 'occupied' I thought it was only practical."

"and I said, 'I though it was only practical!'" Gobber hooted to Grump. "He didnae know where tae put his face, all those ladies of the tribe carrying blankets in, giving him the side eye and sly smile. And then Bertha said she'd best take the whitest of them back, because they'd need it 'for the showing!' I thought his head was goin' tae explode! He was out that door and awae on Toothless fast as his leg could carry him. Haa, yes Stoick you would'a laughed at that one. Mind you, Astrid's not so easy, I barely got away, it's just lucky the axe hit ma wooden leg eh?" he rubbed ruefully at the fresh chip splintering the edge of his peg. "She asked me how I thought her wedding dress looked and I said 'It doesnae matter really, just as long as it comes off easy!' Ha! I ran for my life then but it was worth it Grumpy, her face was a picture." He paused and examined his work. "There, that's one done. The other should be cool now, shift out Grump, let me get it out o'the mould. Perfect." He began to repeat the process of polishing and engraving. "I am a wee bit concerned though Grump, the lad doesnae seem tae have any plan I can see for dealin' wi' the witness. Perhaps I've laid on the tradition thing a wee bit thick? I wouldnae want the pair of them truly embarrassed tomorrow, Thor knows I'm very fond o' the both of them. The amount o' teasin I've been doin' shouldae spurred him on to think of a way out, but I doesnae seem to ha' worked. Well, if there's nothing lookin' likely after the ceremony I'll hae a word and help them out. You know I'd no' leave them hanging in the breeze, Stoick would haunt me forever, wouldn't yer Stoick? Maybe I shoulda dropped a few hints earlier. Mind you, it has been the most amusin' week!" Sporadically giggling at memories of the effects of his 'teasin', he worked contentedly well into the small hours of the morning.

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On the other side of the village, in the Chief's house, Hiccup watched Astrid furiously pace up and down in front of the fire. Her whole body vibrated, though whether with rage or nerves he wasn't certain. "Gobber gave you a new knife? That's nice of him?" She growled in her throat. Okay, definitely rage then.

"Not with what he said it was for!"

"Dare I ask?"

"Ohh, it's for your flying kit apparently, in case you were planning on wearing it to the wedding. In his words," she began to impersonate Gobber's rough tones, "'the blasted thing has so many belts and buckles ya might need help tae get it off. After all, it wouldnae do for the Chief to be stuck in a chastity suit on his weddin' night!' and then he giggled! Actually giggled, which is ridiculous for guy his size. Honestly Hiccup, if I weren't dreading tomorrow night so much, I'd be glad it was almost here, just to get away from his blasted 'teasin'!"

"I know, I know," Hiccup agreed, "he's been over the top. Sure, he can be a bit bawdy, but it's not like him to be _this_ extreme . I'd almost think he means something by it. But I can't think what." Frowning, he pulled his bride-to-be down to sit with him on the hearth. She laid her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry Milady. Starting our marriage like this is so not what I had planned. But I've checked Dad's papers and the damn tradition is mentioned in The Book of Berk. I just can't see how to get out round it without causing too many issues. Like Gobber keeps reminding me, the tribe needs stability, and 'tradition is tradition'." He sighed. It wasn't the actual 'consummation' that was the problem; they had that pretty much down thank you very much. Not that that fact was public knowledge, but there had been some distinct advantages to spending so many years living out at Dragon's Edge. Even the 'proof' for the sheet could be faked easily enough. No, it was the prospect of an audience, even an audience of one, that made him shudder. Reading his thoughts, Astrid groaned and snuggled in closer. "What are we going to do?" But for once, Hiccup didn't have a plan.

Suddenly, cutting through their awkward silence, a scrabble of claws came from overhead. "Toothless?" Hiccup called, "What is it bud?" But it wasn't the resident Night Fury who came hurtling down the stairs but a Terrible Terror, scroll strapped firmly to its leg. Astrid leapt to her feet and deftly grabbed the small dragon out of the air, stripping the scroll and releasing it in one graceful move. The Terror sidled off to a corner in search of fish and she glanced at the seal on the message before handing it to Hiccup. "It's from the sanctuary. Your mother."

"Ohh, no." He grimaced and blushed at the same time. "I sent her a mail a couple of days ago, thought we should at least ask her advice, you know, how did she and Dad deal with this whole 'witnessed consummation' thing? Not sure I want to read the details though." He looked at the scroll as if it might spontaneously combust and then, bracing himself, cracked the seal and began to read. Moments later he began to laugh. "Well, it seems tradition isn't necessarily tradition despite what Gobber says. Or at least not the tradition he's been yakking on about! Read this." Astrid took the scroll and scanned the runes but her reaction was different from his. "Where's my axe? Gobber better be as good at fighting as he is at embarrassing people or he's a dead Viking walking!" She was almost out of the door as Hiccup scrabbled to restrain her. "No, wait, I have a better idea. Get Stormfly, we're going to see Spitelout." A slow, sly smile spread across his face, "I think I know how we're going to get you that wedding present after all."

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Gobber wasn't drunk, but he was pleasantly on his way. Sitting at a bench in the Great Hall, he sipped his ale and smiled beatifically at everyone. He waved merrily at Valka, returned to Berk especially for the celebration. And what a celebration! The wedding had been wonderful. Hiccup was handsome (in a new green tunic and _not_ his flying leathers Gobber noted) and Astrid was stunningly beautiful in her simple gown. They were relaxed yet dignified, at ease with their people, just as Chiefs should be and the Hooligans obviously loved them. Gobber felt his chest swell as if he might burst with pride as he watched his two favourite not-so-youngsters, and he didn't mind admitting that he'd shed a tear or two. Or twenty, as his soggy moustache could attest. Raising his cup he silently and not for the first time that day, toasted Stoick, whom he had never missed more. Their boy had certainly done well. And, as for the wee thing of the 'consummation', well, he hadn't had chance to reveal the joke to Hiccup yet. But he would do, soon. As soon as he finished this cup.

Through the delightful ale-fug he became gradually aware that Spitelout had risen and was speaking; "Hooligans, your attention please! First, a toast to our Chief and his lovely bride!" Cheering rang boisterously round the Hall and Gobber joined in wholeheartedly. "Now," Spitelout continued, "as most of you are aware, when the Chief marries there are some traditions we have, and now is the time to see those traditions carried out." Knowing laughs broke out among the assembled Vikings and a loud voice called "Go Hiccstrid!"

"Thank you, son!" Spitelout continued through gritted teeth, "I'm sure the Chief appreciates your enthusiasm, if not your sense of occasion. As I said, it's time for those traditions to be carried out. Of course, I'm talking about the, ahem, consummation of our Chief's nuptials." The cheer was even huger this time and plenty of ale spilled as cups were raised all around the hall.

Gobber looked at Hiccup's face, once again flaming, and felt the bottom drop out of his stomach. Mutton-head that he was, he'd left it too late! How could he help the lad? Dimly, he realised Spitelout was still talking. "Now, traditionally, the witness to the, ahem, consummation is chosen by secret lot, but, after some persuasion…" Again, there were laughs. Most of the audience knew that the 'persuasion' in question had involved Astrid and Stormfly picking Spitelout up and dropping him repeatedly from a great height until he'd promised to do what she wanted. His yelling had been heard over most of the island. "Works every time!" Astrid grinned. Spitelout forced a half smile/half grimace. " _As I was saying_ after some persuasion, I, that is, the Council, have decided to grant the Chief's request that he and his bride be allowed to choose their own witness. Therefore, Hooligans, I give you Hiccup Haddock the Third!"

Hiccup stood. "Thank you, Spitelout. Firstly, my wife and I" he paused for the riotous cheers, "would like to thank you all for coming and making this such a special day for us. We understand how important tradition is on an occasion such as this is…" As Hiccup spoke, Gobber felt himself relax. The clever lad had worked it out for himself! Now he was going to follow in his Grandfather's bootprints and announce a yak witness. Or a chicken. Or maybe even Toothless, who could at least be relied upon to sit in the corner with his eyes closed. Gobber sighed with relief. Hang on, what was Hiccup saying?

"and in the spirit of that tradition, we wanted to be able to share this moment with someone who means a lot to us and who truly understands how important tradition is to a community like ours…"

Okay, so, a person, not a yak, Gobber mused. Hiccup must have taken his chat about 'luck' to heart and agreed that Gothi was the best choice. Well, so be it, he could always hide the old besom's stick for a few days until everyone lost interest.

"someone well respected in the village,"

Gothi, he was certain, definitely.

"well liked and certainly an expert in matters of tradition, to whom we both owe such a lot,"

definitely Gothi. Thor, why was his heart pounding?

"Gobber," Hiccup finished, smiling warmly, "get yourself up here! Everyone, a toast - to Gobber!"

From somewhere far away, Gobber felt himself being hauled to his feet and pushed towards the front where Hiccup and Astrid were waiting, both smiling at him. His legs seemed to move of their own accord which was just as well as his brain had gone blank. His stomach rolled and he wished he hadn't had that twelfth chicken leg. Or eighth slice of wedding cake. As he reached the high table, Hiccup clasped his hand warmly and Astrid kissed his cheek. "Gobber, thank you for all your wise words this week. We couldn't think of anyone more appropriate to share this moment with. Shall we?" Hiccup waved his hand and Gobber followed the gesture to find himself staring down the corridor leading to the deep storerooms and finally, the 'bedding room'. He felt sick.

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Walking down the corridor seemed to take an age. Hiccup and Astrid walked hand in hand in front, chatting amiably, as if they were all off to a tea party. Occasionally one would look back and smile at him, ask a question, but Gobber didn't hear a thing. His brain was looking frantically for an escape route. By all the Gods, he didn't want to witness Hiccup 'consummating' _anything_ ; he'd known the lad since he was a babe! For Thor's sake, he'd powdered his arse! And Astrid's too, pretty much. This was excruciating. Even worse, the pair of them seemed so proud of themselves, and of him and of the damn 'tradition' he'd made such a song and dance about. He didn't want to ruin that and embarrass them, he couldn't make a fool of the Chief in front of the whole tribe! But how could he stop this gracefully without admitting at despite all his lecturing and teasing, as far as he was concerned tradition could go suck rocks?

All too soon, they arrived at the dreaded door. Hiccup looked Gobber straight in the eye and smiled brightly, innocently. "So, will you be coming in? You know, to witness?"

"Gods, no!" Gobber couldn't stop the exclamation. He looked frantically around and, for the love of Loki, there was a small wooden stool by the wall. "I mean, it's a wee room, I'll just wait here. On this stool. Outside. That'll be fine, quite enough witnessing thank you very much. In you go, now, have fun, I mean, take yer time, er no, I mean, good luck, no, not that, oh, just get in!" He hustled them through the door, just glimpsing the freshly made bed with spotless white sheet gleaming, before he slamming it shut and sinking gratefully onto the stool with shaking knees. By Odin, that had been a near miss! Thank Thor for this stool; this stool was his new best friend.

Breathing out heavily, Gobber leaned back against the corridor wall and closed his eyes. Now he'd just wait here, hopefully not for too long, get the required sheet and then go back to the Great Hall to display it, all done, everything official, nothing actually 'witnessed', all in time for a much needed cup of ale. He wasn't exactly an expert, but how long could it take? Ten minutes. He smiled and relaxed. But the smile faded slowly from his face as it became clear that the door, though it looked substantial enough, was not actually soundproof. He could hear voices, murmurings, giggles. His cheeks began to burn and he moved the stool a little further away. Now there were rustlings, definitely sounds of cloth hitting the floor, and, sweet Freyja, did someone just slap someone? Perhaps the stool should be a bit further away still. He shuffled it as far as he could without actually leaving and sat stiffly with his hands on his knees to still the knocking. All was silent for a long moment and he began to unbend, when suddenly the giggling came through again. And then the creaking began. Slowly at first, but picking up speed as the wooden bedframe evidently took some punishment. The noise came rhythmically though the door, each 'creeaak' making Gobber flinch as if bitten, his face on fire for once.

He began to hum, "I got ma ale and I got ma stool and I'm sat out here 'cos I'm a godsdamned fool, I'm a Viking through and through…" Louder and louder he hummed but louder and louder came the creaking, and faster and faster. There was nowhere further he could go without actually going back to the Hall and shaming himself and Hiccup and Astrid besides, so instead he shoved his fingers hard into his ears. This helped, but only until the banging joined the creaking. Unmistakably the sound of a wooden headboard hitting a stone wall, it echoed like a drum, like thunder in his head and no amount of humming was keeping it out. He was beginning to regret quite bitterly wearing his wooden 'special occasion' hand for the wedding. If he had worn his hook, he would have shoved it through both ears that instant and been happy to do it. Especially when the voices returned;

"Oh, Astrid!"

"Oh, Hiccup!"

Oh no.

"Oh, yes like that, like that!"

"Yes, do it, do it, yes yes yes!

No no no no no no no! Gobber found he had inadvertently chewed and shredded the ends of his moustache in his horror and gratefully spat the loose hairs into his hand and shoved the wadded mess into his ears before replacing his fingers. He would be picking them clean for weeks but he did not give a flying Terror.

"Oh wow, you're so big!"

Scratch that, they would never be clean again. He might need to use changewing acid. He squirmed on the stool, humming and desperately trying to think of something else, anything else as the unholy noise continued. By Thor, how long could this possibly go on? The creaking and banging were almost without pause and both voices were shouting, moaning, even growling? Added to the chaos was the sound of flesh slapping hard onto flesh. He cringed. What on Midguard was going on in there? He screwed his eyes tight against the unwelcome mental pictures.

Creak creak creak creak creak creak creak

Bang bang bang bang bang bang bang

"Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh"

Slap slap slap slap slap slap slap

" Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!"

It was like being assaulted by some obscene Thunderdrum! Just as he thought he would either die there and then from sheer mortification or the top of his head would fly right off, the tumult seemed to reach a peak of incredible volume. Creak, bang, slap, creak, bang, slap, creak, bang, slap,

"Oh oh oh oh oh! Oh! OH! OOH! OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Yes yes yes yes yes! Yes! YES! YEESS! YYEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!

The following silence was the sweetest thing he had ever heard in his entire life. It continued for long moments and he cautiously pulled his fingers from his ears. Nothing. Shoulders slumping and he let go out a looong breath, hung his head and panted as if finishing a race. In his whole life, that had been the worst, what? Half an hour? Hour? He had no idea but at least it was over now.

"Oh Gobber!" Astrid's voice called sweetly, "You can come in now!" Startled and with eyes still tightly closed, Gobber leapt from his stool and turned, ran full pelt the wrong way and smashed into the corridor wall. Groaning, he put a hand to his bleeding forehead and staggered toward the cursed door. Hand on the latch, he stopped, desperate to avoid going in. But, "Gobber!" Hiccup now. "You should come in; don't you need to do the sheet thing?" Sweating, scarlet and bloodied, he squeezed his eyes to the tiniest of slits and very slowly opened the door the barest crack. "Just pass it tae me, I wouldnae like to disturb you, honestly…"

"No," Hiccup again, a strange note in his voice, "we'd like you come in, do things properly. Tradition is tradition, you know?"

Cursing himself and all his pox-ridden talk of tradition, Gobber pushed open the door and slunk into the room. At first, all he could see were their sweaty, flushed faces and he felt himself blushing furiously again but gradually, as he took in other details he realised the pair of them were…fully clothed? And standing on the bed on top of a very rumpled but otherwise spotless sheet. Taking in his blank expression, Astrid began to giggle, while Hiccup slowly started to bounce on the bed. Creak. Astrid joined him and the bouncing became more forceful. Bang. Then Hiccup offered her a swift high-five. Slap. Creak. Bang. Slap. Looking Gobber straight in the eyes Astrid smirked and moaned, "Oohh, yesss!" Finally, the penny dropped and Gobber, stiffening with outrage, yelled, "You wee blatherskites! You! That was the worst….of mae life! Y'sneaking, conniving wee…trolls! I cannae believe it!" He carried on, yelling and blustering until he finally ran out of names to call them. As he stood glaring and huffing Hiccup very calmly waved one finger at him, "Now, now, Gobber, no need to overreact. We were only teasin' you." And the pair fell, roaring with laughter, onto the bed.

Gobber felt the corner of his mouth twitch into a smirk, then a smile, then a grin, then he was laughing too, loudly and uncontrollably. "All right, all right, ya win. Tomorrow y'can tell me how ya worked it out. But right now, I'm off before you two think of something else awful tae do tae an old man. Mae poor heart willnae stand it! Give me that." Like a magician he took hold of the white sheet and whisked it from underneath their still giggling bodies. Then he wiped it briskly across his bloody forehead leaving a reddish smear down the centre before tossing it over his shoulder. "There, that should satisfy blasted 'tradition'. I'm out o'here." He went to the door before remembering, turning back. Pulling a small decorated bag from a pocket, he placed it gently into Hiccup's outstretched hand and folded his fingers around both. "These are for you, son, and you, lovely girl. Perhaps if I hadnae stayed up so late making them you wouldnae have gotten the better of me t'day! Happy wedding day."

Astrid joined her hand to the clasp and looked up at their old trainer. "We love you, you know Gobber."

He flushed again, this time with pleasure. "Aye, well, yes." Hurriedly, he dropped a kiss on each forehead and, beaming, made his way out of the door.

Hiccup opened the small bag and tipped it into his palm. Out fell two golden rings, each exquisitely engraved with a minute pattern. Astrid gasped and took the larger of the two, bumped and scored with a meticulous replica of Night Fury skin. Inside, runes spelled out 'The Pride of Berk'. "Yours, I believe, Mr Haddock." She slid it onto his waiting finger, where it fitted perfectly. Picking up the smaller one, Hiccup ran his finger across the surface "Nadder spines. The clever old softy." Looking inside he read, "'The Bride of Berk'. That means you, Mrs Haddock." Again, it was an exact match for her slim finger and they held their hands together to admire the effect. Quiet music drifting from the Great Hall assured them the party was going on without them. "That's us wedded then is it?" Hiccup asked, green eyes twinkling. Astrid's wolfish grin matched his. "I do believe it is. Wedded, but not quite bedded. Husband, how would you feel about making it 'official'?" He snaked an arm round her neck and pulled her down to him on the sheetless bed. "Wife, I do believe I'd love to." And then their lips were far too busy for talking.

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When Gobber re-entered the Hall, his entrance was met by a mixture of cheers and gasps. The Vikings hurried forward, Spitelout at the forefront. "Gobber! What in Odin's name happened down there? They never went through with it? Look at the state of you man! You're bleeding all over your head, did the Chief beat you?"

Gobber laughed ruefully, "Aye, he did, and his wife too, most thoroughly, though not in the way you're thinking. Here, pop this up somewhere." Pulling the sheet from his shoulder he pushed it into the nearest pairs of hands, which happened to belong to Ruffnut and Tuffnut. They uncrumpled it and pulled it tight, revealing the red mark.

"Ew, gross Gobber!" Ruff threw her end of the sheet away disgustedly, flapping it over her brother's head, "That's not…? Someone set fire to my hands, I need to clean them!"

"I'll set fire to all of you and gladly dear sister, just get this off me!" struggling out, Tuff wrinkled his nose in distaste. "Seriously Gobber, we all know those two have been making the Night Fury with two backs for ages now, what exactly is this meant to prove?"

Hauling one twin under each arm, Gobber grinned. "It proves, my dear wee Zippleback children, that one should nae mess with Chief Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third, or the charming new Mrs Haddock. It proves that Berk, and we, are in safe hands!" His voice rose to a proud shout, echoed in a cheer by the tribe. "Now, be good twins and fetch Gobber a comfortable chair, several yak steaks and a large ale. I'll tell ya the story, but I cannae do so on a empty stomach!"

As the twins moved away, grumbling and the rest of the tribe hurried to get comfortable in anticipation of a good tale, Gobber turned to see Valka lounging casually against the nearest pillar. Catching his eye, she smirked, "Stressful half hour, was it Gobber?" The corner of her mouth quirked up fractionally and he knew. "You! You told them! You told them how it worked, y'let them set me up!" Grinning fully, she answered, "Aye, I did. A bit of information may not make up for twenty-years absence, but I thought I'd best start somewhere." He huffed, disbelievingly. "Come now Gobber, it cannae have been that bad, big strong laddie like you?" He glared at her in silence. "Well, now, and you'll forgive me? I'll fetch you a plate of something hot, that'll soothe you. And don't worry, I won't be something I cooked."

He watched her move away and could almost see the huge shadow moving with her, twin to the one he felt standing always at his side. Hiding a moment before facing the crowd, he stood in the darkness beside the pillar and turned his face upward. "We did well there Stoick, we did well, aye? I know yer proud of yer lad and his lass, and you know I'll take good care o'them for you. Until I see y'again in the halls of our Fathers, Chief. Until I see y'again." Stepping back into the light, he grinned at his eager audience. "Now, where's ma ale?"


End file.
